The other day Cannoneer No. 4 called me, as he usually does. He tries to call me once a day to reassure me that he is doing fine. While we were talking I kept hearing Boom! Boom! This happens every now and then from the GIs blowing up stuff (EOD Controlled Detonation — #4) so over the years of hearing from him I have learned to ignore them (not really, I just don’t freak out like I use to!) Stuff happens and the GIs have to blow it up!
Well, while we were talking the noise got louder, then I hear people yelling “In coming!” and Cannoneer telling me, “Baby, I have to go we’re getting blown up.” As he was hanging up I could hear people running, stuff falling and sirens whaling. The phone goes dead! God! I’m so scared! What do I do? I prayed, that was the first thing I did. I lit candles, that was the second thing I did. Third I collapsed on a chair and tried very hard to keep the ” bad” things from running rampant in my head, no use there here, is he dead? Is he hurt? God? What do I do if my baby dies? I can’t think like this. OK! He’s alright I know he’s alright, OK, breathe, breathe, in, out, in, out, deep breathe my puppy is looking scared he keeps trying to lick my tears away. I will not break down I will not break down. OK! Deep breathe, now, he’s fine. I would know some how I would know if he was hurt or dead, and I don’t feel that he’s hurt or dead, God? what do I do? I can’t live with out him! this hurts to bad. I cry trying very hard to keep my wits about me, thinking My sweetie is fine I know he’s fine we can handle this, if he hurt I will just nurse him back that’s all “Please God, take care of my baby, I can’t live without him” I keep saying this over and over in my head! All the things that can go wrong have gone through my head is he hurt, legs blown off, arms blown off, does he have a gut wound every imaginable horrible thing that could happen to him has gone through my head, but I fight the bad thoughts I know he’s fine, he’s just trying to get to his men and make sure they are safe. Then he has to go call HQ and tell them all men are accounted for he’s fine, he’s fine, I know he’s fine! I’m so scared I will lose him. OK! I can do this repeat after me He’s fine! So this mantra goes through my head the remainder of the time it takes him to call me back. 25 minutes have passed. The phone rings, it’s my special ring tone for him! He’s alright!!! I answer, I hear, “I’m fine my men are fine can’t talk right now. Stop worrying I’m alive. I love you, got to go Bye Baby!”. Phone goes dead again but this time I just sit and cry! Relief folds all over me. I was worried for nothing, again.
This is the 4th time I have gone through this hell! And each time I worry like crazy, then minutes, hours or even weeks later I hear from him. The first time this happened it took almost a week for him to call me back , the second time hours and the third days now this time 25 minutes. After about 30 minutes I calm down and go take a shower to wash all the badness off me. That’s how I cleanse myself of all the bad things I have to deal with from time to time. Each day I light candles and pray for my husband and my sons who are in harms way.
This how I handle my fear of what could happen to the men I love.
Each family does something to live with the fear of losing their loved ones. It’s very scary, but my guy is happy to be there and doing what he feels is good and right to keep our world free from the crazies who would love to come to middle America and blow the hell out of it. They would love to kill little Mrs. America and her children to put fear in all our hearts so we can’t function and get on with our work and keep our economy running. The bad guys would love it if we all were going through what I went through every second of everyday. I go through it, so someone else does not have too. I know it sounds silly or crazy but those few minutes of total terror I experienced meant that some one else did not have to do it. And I would go through that god awful terror again if I knew no one else would have to do go through it.
I’m so scared that the MSM is belittling what our guys and gals do to keep them and all of us free from the crazies. The Left-wing nuts keep going on and on about how Bush lied about______, fill in the blank, you name it its Bush’s fault. What they don’t seem to understand is that if our guys weren’t doing this hard, very lonely job, we here in the States would be fighting the crazies in our front yards, in our malls and in our schools.